Calm and Steady

It's like waking up in front of the beach. Seeing the ocean at low tide. Calm and steady.

I remember when I was a kid, 8 or 9 years old, we used to go to Batangas on weekends and stay in my aunt's private resort which stands in front of the beach. I love walking on the shore every morning. Picking up sea shells, chasing crab-lets and just seeing the beauty of earth. I love the feel of the sand on my feet--the cold grainy sand when you burry your feet on. I love how the ocean smells, the greasy air that kisses your skin, and sound of the waves. It's my favorite place on earth. Calm, safe and steady. Like nothing could harm you.

By mid day, You can see the water rise. The feel of the wind changes and the warmth of the sun is starting to irritate your skin. The sound of birds chirping as they fly is no longer music to your ears. The running creatures on the sand has all gone hiding and the shells you've been gasping for becomes nothing but plain rocks to your eyes. You could hardly smell the ocean. As the tides hit the shore stronger and the sand castles had all been destroyed, so is that moment. That calm, safe, peaceful and steady moment. Like nothing could ever change.

As the light started to fade out from your eyes and witness the sun drown in the angry sea, darkness has emerge to conquer your view. The memories of a beautiful morning had been forgotten. Every beautiful moments had all been wiped. And all that is left was nothing but hope. Hoping for a beginning, a fresh start, a new day. A calm, safe, peaceful, serene and steady tomorrow. Like nothing could be ever forgotten.

I could only hope my morning will continue as my days go by. I will soon be facing the mid day and sure to die by night. There's nothing I could do as the world turns. There's nothing but faith to decide my future. I could only pray to be calm and steady.

Doin' Just Fine

The title of the song by Boyz II Men. Very appropriate to my situation right now. After all the turmoils, adversity and chaos I've been through, I'm standing tall and doing just fine.

My freelancing was going really well until I got an offer from a young company. Dottystyle Creative is an Australian based company that has just started branching out to the Philippines. I recieved a call November last year and after negotiating with a competitive offer, I was hired.

I started December 1, 2009. So far everything is doing fine. The whole set up was great! I leave early from home to hit the gym at 6 am in Fitness First MOA. Then proceeed to work in Buendia, Makati from 9 am to 6 pm.

I have no complain so far. I'm still able to do freelance. I workout almost everday of the week. I watch movies at night. I get to travel out of town on weekends. I get to give some of what I earn to my Mom and still able to buy stuff for my self.

Everything was going the way I wanted it. It's those moment in life where you wish nothing would change. Where you could close your eyes without worry and no hesitation of opening them back. But you know for sure that there will be something— a bump— something that could destroy your happiness.

Only children deserves a worry free life. I'm getting scared of what lies for me on the road. And when it hits me, I'm sure to forget this moment in my life.

For now I will enjoy this moment as long as I can.

Me at the Anawangin Cove last Saturday, January 23 2010

Insomnia

There is a certain feeling in my heart when I'm about to cry. A feeling I cannot explain. Lately I have been feeling that amount of hurt that could make me burst into tears. The sadness that stops me cold and sure to feel it. But I'm keeping it inside. I won't let a tear fall down.

Insomnia. Staying awake while asleep. It started back in high school. If the clock ticks pass twelve and I haven't doze off, I won't be able to fall asleep until the sun rises. I lay in bed trying to sleep. I open my eyes into darkness with only the light from outside the window could help me see silhouettes. I close my eyes and make a turn. I still couldn't sleep.

I think about my hopes, ambitions, and dreams. I fall asleep. The next morning I'd wake up not remembering the last thing in my mind before I have fallen into a coma.

My inconsistency in sleeping was said to be my lack of peace of mind according to an old buddy. I couldn't sleep because I was stressing on my frustrations—unmeant desires. His no Psychologist nor an expert in sleeping and he majored in business. But what he said really struck me and... I believed him.

When I turned my life around back during my college years. My sleeping habit became consistent. I don't sleep passed 10 pm. My alarm sets off every morning around 6 am and by the time the clock ticks 8 am, I should already be up and walking. I was constantly at the gym and I eat healthy foods.

I felt so good with my life. I had everything under control. I don't stress out on what's about to happen the next day. It was a worry free stage of my life. But all these have changed when I started working for ABS-CBN interactive. I guess the atmosphere of my former work place had put me on stress.

I miss having a regular job. With firm office hours and not flexible time. A reason to wake up every morning at an exact right time. And ending your day thinking nothing but your bed—only to rest and sleep.

Now that I'm home doing freelance. I have less to worry. I should have taken this time to turn my sleeping habit back to where I was happy. Start waking up early and eat healthy foods. I should be able to clear my mind. But I'm having a hard time. I tossed and turned at night! Why am I stressing? Everything is doing well. My freelancing is doing great. I couldn't figure out what's bothering me. And once again I couldn't sleep.

Insomnia. Staying awake while asleep. Thinking about my shoulda woulda coulda. The hopes, ambitions, and dreams. The thoughts of What if... I fall asleep.